I'm so fucking centered right now
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
