K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
