Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
