Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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