Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
