everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
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You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
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She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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