yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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