so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
