There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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