Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Randomize
