some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
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