I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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