Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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