Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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