...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
