I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
He? As in you personified your dick?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
