Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
