Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
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