I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
