There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
