well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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