dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
