So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Dick very happy bro
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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