Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
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While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
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Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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