I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
