His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
