also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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