I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
