vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
