Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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