i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Sorry my hands just texted you
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
