They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
