Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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