just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Found the puke drawer
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
