i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
