We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
