wanna go halves on a baby?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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