how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
