My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
