i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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