If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
