It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
