Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
