i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
