I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
