i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
