if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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