and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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