did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
should my penis look like a turkey
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
