barbara walters just said penis...
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
