The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
