Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
