glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
