my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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