I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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