the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
