Jerry, you need to find god
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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