I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
