my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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